The Call

When you broke your bread and gave half of it to me- cold and hungry-, were you not my brother and I,your sister bounded not by blood but by that victorious kindness which our Father in His mercy,bequeathed and placed, even in the remotest part of our corrupted hearts?

I had spent a year on travels and self-indulgence. I had spent money on slaking my caprice. Where did it brought me?
I wouldn't deny I had wasted so much resources just to snake my way out of this lethal cycle of aimlessness, assuming that out of that circle, a magical way for escape will be paved by such trifles. But I ended up running around in that circle.
Lost and defeated by my own unfulfilled desire for direction, I kept to myself. I built a wall between me and people around me. I began to abhor and get rid of their company. I pursued a passion for absenteeism and tardiness at work as an act of rebellion against an exploitative employment.
Then the hatred I felt for everything and everyone around me started to turn inward to myself. This was the point where every piece of me crumbled into trash.
Someone said, "Self-improvement is masturbation. Now, self-destruction. . ."
I started not to take too much care of myself. As a result, I ended being summed up "mental" by self-assured people through my neglected appearance. I lost friends or rather, I had cut them off.
Then one morning, while I was staring at the ceiling preparing to type my next jeremiad, a certain sense of peace came to me. I then noticed my hands typing words. After typing, I read the words. An overwhelming emotion came to me. I trembled at first. I stealthily went into the toilet and there, I noticed that the emotion was too much to bear and that tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't control it but my whole frame was shaking.
The words created where the exact italicized words above.
I then felt that I have a responsibility. I am not a religious person. In fact, I honestly think I am not a good person at all. I dare not aspire to be a nun or a female monk.
I just felt that I have to live not a religious, but more of a spiritual life. Don't get me wrong. I am naturally rebellious to any rules imposed on me. Religion and its rules really don't matter to me. But spirituality matters. All I am really hoping for is for us to practice "the right to worship according to the dictates of our conscience." No rules. No ifs and buts.
Now, where am I really going with this? Let me proceed.
After what happened, my solitude worsened and self-abandonment began to take hold of me. I definitely lost all will to acquire more for myself. In fact, I continued to lose. Some friends ostracized and judged me. But I didn't and still don't care at all. I still got a few who knew that this is very important to me.
Soon, I am going to give up my job. Why? Because I can. For what? Beats me. I don't find any meaning with what I'm doing at work. There is something else I am trying to pursue.
Honestly, I really don't know where I am going but I am on my way. The words I had typed and that experience is a beginning. It was what created the magical path out of the circle of aimlessness. I don't know where it will lead me but I strongly feel that the journey I am about to take is really what I am here for.